It's that time of year, Canucks fans! That's right, its the playoffs!
Now, most of you don't have the time or patience to follow the Canucks through an 82 (or 48) game season. That's OK, I'm not here to judge. (Well, maybe a little) In fact, I'm here to bring you up to speed.
I'm sure you've heard by now that the Canucks are facing the Sharks in round 1 of the playoffs. No? Well you know now. That's easy enough. But what about the players? And who do you blame for the good/bad things happening? Below is everything you'll need to keep you out of an awkward conversation with someone who knows more about hockey than you do.
The Canucks are Winning:
- Henrik Sedin, Daniel Sedin, Ryan Kesler. Memorize those names, people. When the Canucks are winning, just mentioning any of these 3 names in the sentence "_______ is playing really well tonight" will gain you respect amongst your peers.
- Low scoring game? I've still got you covered, buddy! Talk about how well Hamhuis has done with Garrison, or how improved Tanev is this year. Maybe mention that Edler looks pretty solid this post season. If Schneider is in goal, talk about how incredible he's been. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT mention Roberto Luongo. That'll open up a whole new can of worm. See "Emergency Situations" below.
The Canucks are Losing:
When the crap hits the fan, every fan has a scapegoat. For a lot of people, it's either Alain Vigneault (Head Coach) or Mike Gillis (General Manager). I'm guilty of hoping on this bandwagon occasionally. But if you wanna look a little more edumacated and what not, you should have some players on that list, too.
- Keith Ballard: A $4 million healthy scratch, who occasionally plays on the 3rd defense pairing or the 4th offensive line. If he's playing, scream "WHY THE %#@* IS KEITH BALLARD PLAYING IN THE PLAYOFFS?!" If he's in the press box, scream "WHY THE %#@* IS KEITH BALLARD SITTING IN THE PRESS BOX, IN THE PLAYOFFS?!" Fairly simple.
- Zack Kassian: Still a fairly young player, who could be the next Todd Bertuzzi (tough guy who can score). Didn't live up to the fans ridiculous expectations. If he's with the Sedins, say he deserves to be on the fourth line. Coincidentally, if he's on the fourth, make a fuss about him not playing 30 + minutes per game and scoring 40 goals en route to a cup win.
- Mason Raymond: 2nd or 3rd liner who just isn't the same player after breaking his back in the Cup Finals 2 years ago. Complain about how he needs to be traded, or that he just simply needs to get over his fear of going into corners.
EMERGENCY SITUATIONS:
While the above should get you through any normal situation, you may encounter a few "Danger Zones." Heres the most lethal, and how to handle them.
Someone Mentions the Goaltending Problem:
For those of you who have been hiding under a rock for the past year, Cory Schneider has ousted Roberto Luongo as #1 goaltender for the Canucks. But the Canucks failed to trade off Luongo, leaving us with a $6 million backup.
If anything is mentioned about the goaltending problem, the best thing to do is run. Far, far away. Everyone and their dog has an opinion on who deserves the starter spot, what's fair, and why. You'll get trapped in a never ending cycle of useless opinions. But worse: you'll get flustered, lose your composure, and start talking about how useful Ballard would be at Kesler's side.
This is the only real emergency situation, but should be avoided at all costs.
What to do with this Information:
Now you may be thinking, "Jon, I just read and memorized your advice, now what?" You can:
- Pretend to know more than other fans, act all smug about it, probably get beat up because of it.
- Become a blogger, also pretending to know more than others, but publishing it.
- Use it sparingly, so as to blend in and not look like a fool.
Your choice.
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